CAREGIVING
&
THE
THREE ESSENTIALS OF SUCCESSFUL AGING
* * * * *
Geriatric specialists – care managers, physicians, psychiatrists,
nurses – have sophisticated measures to determine how well a person is equipped
to age successfully.
We evaluate functional status, chronic diseases, sensory losses,
hospitalizations, medication history, safety factors, nutrition, social support
systems and availability of resources, psychological well-being, cognition
level, abuse risks, financial and legal security, fear of death. A complete assessment can run up to 20 pages.
These measures are fairly good determinants when the age projectory is
smooth. However, we know that life is
full of unexpected turns and aging can create bitterness and depression. Studies now out of the
A good plan – whether designed by a physician or a social worker –
includes many steps and options.
Scenarios are outlined to cushion the loss of physical strength, to
protect against mental decline, to provide for adequate long-term care choices.
Often overlooked is an effort to assure that the spiritual components of our
lives are solid enough to see us through our later years.
In my work with seniors and their families, I have concluded that the
REAL keys to successful aging are FAITH, FAMILY and GRATITUDE.
A lifetime of believing in something larger than oneself helps one to
make sense of the disruption in our own plans.
Many of today’s seniors have devoted time and energy to their faith. Unfortunately, age, frailty and isolation
separate them from the community and lessons of that faith. Churches rarely bring services to seniors,
age groups do not mingle to offer mutual support, young families do not attend
services themselves and forget their importance for their parents.
I was privileged to see an amazing example of the power of remembered
religious rituals in an assisted living community I managed several years
ago. Our population was made up of both
Jews and Christians, of both alert and confused residents. Most of them voluntarily attended the Friday
night Shabbat services. Even if they did
not necessarily follow the program, the solemnity and rhythm of the service
calmed and encouraged them, with the effect carrying through for another day or
two. Remembered practices, like
classical music or a mother’s heartbeat, offer an assurance which the daily
struggles of aging challenge.
A dear friend who retains her vigor and interest in life at 90 lost her
husband many years ago. They were unable
to have children. My friend intuited an
important concept about getting older and being alone. Not only did she maintain robust
relationships with her family and friends from her home state, but also she
gathered around her new friends whom she treated as family. People actually vie for her attention now;
she’s healthy and she can pick and choose where she will spend vacations and
holidays. Should she become frail, those
same family members and newer friends will be taking turns to help her. I know my name will be on the roster! She learned early on how truly important her
family – both real and extended – is in her life.
The number of “un-befriended” seniors is shocking. Distance, feuds, neglect destroy family
ties. When I am caught in the middle of
a family argument over the care of a parent or over an inheritance, I speak up,
warning the adult children that as they age all they will have is family. Both our power to influence others and the
strength of our friendships diminish over the years. We become invisible to younger people. Without a special brother or nephew or
grandchild to take an interest in our well-being, long lonely days and years await
us.
A client who had previously been very active in her neighborhood church
lost her son to a brain tumor. The
pastoral staff had changed over the years and she was not open to talking with
someone “new”. She had neither the
skills nor the ability to find assistance in order to accept or overcome her
feelings of abandonment. As a result she
became mad at God and chose to spend her days criticizing everything and
everyone. Sadly, she did not acknowledge
that what once was will always be; she could not admit that her wonderful son
had been a special blessing for all the years he helped her. She also could not recognize the amazing
compensations her grandchildren offered to her today.
Although she had it all – rich memories of her son’s devotion, access
to a faith-based support system and an on-going reward in her grandchildren -
she chose to remain miserable and bitter.
It was no surprise that her obsessions focused only on money and health
- undependable allies in the search for happiness.
Remember when your mother warned you not to make faces because your
features would freeze in grotesque ways?
The same holds true for our belief system and our coping skills. I sometimes catch myself perseverating –
going over and over the same problem or resentment. Seeing the outcome of this habit has warned
me to catch myself and redirect my thoughts toward positive ideas. Prayer and meditation can act as a red light
for such unhealthy thinking – stopping the thinking which threatens the quality
of one’s entire state of existence.
Useful and interesting reading for those of us in our prime is The
Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt.
This is not a self-help book but a fascinating and instructive analysis
of the psychology of human happiness.
The book explores and explains why faith, attachments, and thankfulness
will assure us both a better life now and an infinitely more contented old age
later - with or without riches, or health, or any other material bulwarks upon
which we so often rely.
Let the professionals worry about all their assessments. The most important steps YOU can take, and
should encourage in those you care about, are to build on your own strengths
and …